Again I feel incredibly guilty about abandoning this site for so long but I was going through a lot, as the last post hopefully explained. It wasn’t long after I wrote that the the pandemic started to kick in to high gear and needless to say, the world began to feel even smaller. I still haven’t been into the city since the lockdown began and for months the only place I went was to do the grocery shopping. It’s obviously been a very difficult time for everyone in the world but from a personal point of view it’s been quite an anxious period because both my parents are in high risk groups, especially my mum having a weakened immune system after her cancer treatment and I was terrified that she might get ill again and didn’t want her to go through any more after spending a huge amount of last year in hospital or layed up in bed recovering. Thankfully we have managed to avoid that so far and I’m still being as careful as I can.
I’ve realised that my life tends to follow a certain pattern where I’ve been through a kind of cycle of sudden realisation of how terribly I’ve messed my life up and it comes into focus just how bad things are, then attempting to try and come up with a way to get out of it or improve things and then realising how impossible it is, then feeling utterly hopeless about things and having to do my best to fight the urge to give up completely. The last step is to almost dissociate from everything and just kind of float through days. This isn’t conscious, eventually I snap out of it and go back to the first stage. I know that I should have got help so much earlier and been willing to try and entertain the idea that I could have got better because it would have been so, so much easier if I had done it years ago. With every passing month it gets that much harder and less likely that I can ever have anything like a functional life.
It seems petty to complain about the kind of things I’m about to write about but I’m going to do it anyway because I have no other outlet for these feelings. There are certain events that really hammer home what a complete loser I am and how much of a mess I’ve made of my life. I wrote before about how someone who I knew from school bought the house next door and made snide comments about me still living with my parents there which made me feel like shit, and every day I have to be reminded of this. The thing that set me off just recently was my mum telling me that my best friend from when I was in primary school, who was probably even more of an outcast than me at one point, has got engaged. Again, I know it’s foolish to compare yourself to others and life isn’t a race and all the other stuff people tell you when you get upset about things like this, but it did make me feel even more pathetic. I have been left behind by every single person I’ve ever known in my entire life. Everyone from primary school on up to university have all been massively more successful than me in every way. It’s hard not to get depressed by this kind of stuff. I could only ever tangentially talk about these things with my therapist, in part because I know that there is no way to talk your way into making this not matter. I know how pathetic I am and there is no way around it.
The next thing didn’t upset me in of itself, but it still drives home how pathetic I am for being who I am. My sister is pregnant and my parents are obviously so happy for her and it’s been a big deal because they are going to be grandparents and there was a very real possibility last year that my mum might not have lived to ever see that. It is never said, but it’s kind of acknowledged that I will never have kids, not that I want them – I know I could not handle that responsibility – but the decision is way out of my hands.
I’m happy for her but again, I cannot help but feel even more like I am just the most pathetic person imaginable. She was talking the other day about saving money for her son so that he will be able to learn to drive when he’s old enough and it dawned on me that if I live until then, it won’t be too long until I am surpassed by him as well.
All these things build up and there’s no way to not be depressed by it all. When I consider the enormous mess I have made of my entire life and how insurmountable it feels to try and change things I simply do not know what to do. All I have achieved up until now is either total despair or dissociation.
I’d made an appointment with a different counselling service just before lockdown and obviously that was cancelled but I don’t know if I can face trying to explain every yet again for probably the 5th or 6th time. We’ll have to see.
A few months ago I added a link but didn’t mention it in the previous post due to the content because I didn’t want to seem like I was begging, but you might have noticed I have a Ko-fi page now. If you like my blog and want to support me for approximately the cost of a coffee, please take a look. I don’t expect anything out of it though, but I would like to thank the people who sent me some very much, it really does mean a lot to me.